Again

I am tired and weak. I am not as strong as you would think. I do not have the power not to cry. I fall to me knees in sorrow. A year has passed, scittered by like fall leaves in the autumn breeze, tumbled and swirled like the icy flakes of winter, whispered softly by like powdered wings of the summer butterfly and I have had no power but to let it slip through my fingers. 

I was told I can't be on antidepressants if I get pregnant. I'm not on birth control now, again. (This terrifies me but the desire is stronger than the fear--- I think, maybe, we shall see). So anyway, because I digress, I had forgotten to get my script filled again. I've been off it for 2 days now. I kind of wonder if I should stay on it but I do so want another baby, and don't want any bad things that could have been prevented with foresight to ruin that. But this morning I woke up sad. Really, quite sad. Now I'm laying in bed by myself at 10 at night on a Saturday physically and mentally exhausted and I think, "there's not enough butterflies," and "so this is the sadness And darkness I've avoided with medicine for the last 3 months."  God I'm so tired. Really old and tired. How am I going to find the strength to try again?