Patch them up

School has started and so has "the busy."  New students, new schedule, new curriculum, new grade, new house, new everything it seems. School has started and each day almost as I pull into the driveway since we moved a butterfly flutters over or next to my car. I've barely had time to be prepared for work much less have time to be down. "Down."  Down time, down emotionally, even sitting down. I'm exhausted. 

Today in my "focus" which is a class in which i am meant to be a support for my 9th grade students I did a question and answer session. We did a back and forth. I asked a question and they answered. They asked a question and I answered. 2nd question to come up for me:  how many kids do you have?  Three was my automatic answer. Three was the number that came out of my mouth. And then... Then they wanted to know how old they were. 9, 3, and angel?  9, 3, and stillborn?  How the hell do you answer that?  And as always I was honest with them. 9. 3. And I had a stillborn baby a year and a half ago. Damn it. I had her. She counts. So... They get a lesson I guess. Not all babies live?  Their English teacher  is honest?  I don't know. But it didn't phase them. They didn't even skip a beat. And that makes me sad too. What must have happened? Who must they have lost to take the news of a stillborn baby in stride. I wish I could patch them up inside. 

My soul is sad today. 

Concerns in technicolor

I read a lot about women who have lost babies suffering from secondary infertility. It's a condition where the woman has trouble getting pregnant after they have a loss especially when the loss causes extreme grief. So here is my concern (or at least one of them): I have been off birth control since April and we have yet to conceive. Now, mind you we didn't really try until this month but I am pretty sure it didn't happen this month either. I just don't have any of the signs really. Part of the concern is that it was so easy for us to get Gracie and Gabbie. It was so easy in fact I could pinpoint the day.  I know that women sometimes struggle for years to conceive, and I am getting older. What if we can't have anymore, and the last infant of mine I get to hold is still? Forever still?  D is unconcerned. I know that it's silly, this concern, but it's there and if I put it down in words maybe it will go away. Being overly concerned about partially imagined things is apparently how anxiety works. I really need to figure out how to manage it. I haven't even allowed myself to consider being pregnant. To go there may cause me to melt... Down. 

I had a dream that I was talking to a woman who was very pregnant.  She was leaning on an old Oldsmobile in a parking lot. She wore a simple dress in the most amazing shade of vibrant blue. I have no idea what our conversation was about but as we talked she switched back and forth from her blue dress to being not pregnant and wearing a long pure white sweater that seemed to shine with white light. 

Even in my sleep my subconscious apparently switches back and forth in worry from pregnancy to not. 

Concern number 2: I go back to work. I go back and lose my time with the girls and they get older and I miss things llike my morning cuddles, and I get stressed and short on patience and temper with them because it gets used up at work. I don't want to go back and I don't want to lose cuddling. I don't want them to get older yet, And I don't want to give the kids at work more of me than I give my kids at home. 

Concern 3: In response to concern 2, I always put my whole self into work because "that which is not worth doing well, is not worth doing at all."  So how do I strike a balance for my pride to have a job well done with enough energy and patience left over for home? 

Concern 5:  with all the new pressure on teaching, and even before it... What if I'm not really effective at all in what I do? How will I know (will I ever know) if I really am any good?

Concern 4: I worry over worrying. I worry over everything. I obsess over it. Then it effects the rest of me, of life.  I lay in bed at night and doze but my mind is racing with concern.  Even in sleep I dream in technicolor about all my fears in images that swirl and dance across my mind like movies. Gabbie was right, I never rest. Even my dreams worry over things. How do I let them go?  

A Real message through a stranger from my Baby Girl

I had a reading from a medium today that lived half way across the country.  And say what you will, but it was awesome.  She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, but she did tell me things that she shouldn’t know.  The premise started on a psychic page in which the owner of the page offered the chance to upload a picture and one of the readers would attempt to contact the subject on the other side.  The rules stated that the picture could not be of a corpse.  But a still baby is just that.  So if these are all the pictures I have how could I upload them if it were against the rules.  So I asked like this: “I have a question. In the rules it states to not post a picture of a deceased person. I was hoping to get a reading that included my baby who has passed but she was stillborn so I have no living pictures of her. She was full term and looks like any other infant except that she's not pink and her lips are darker. Is this unacceptable? It is all I have. Thank you for your time xxx”.  The answer was if a reader was willing to try I could inbox them a picture.  I told the responders that I would be sure to inbox only and that “I just wanted validation, I love that she’s there and gives signs like white feathers and butterflies. And I don’t want to be greedy. I just wonder if she'd give affirmation through someone else so I knew I wasn't just imagining it all.” One such woman from Missouri said she would try.  So I inboxed this picture:

Here is the transcript modified only slightly by order since it was in instant messages and some messages were simultaneously sent and therefore appeared out of order.  I have put in italics my explanation:

Me: Thank you in advance for trying. It means so much for you to take the time.

Medium: Crystal I am going to ask that you give me some time. I have never done a picture reading. I want to make sure that I am in contact with my guides. And not surrounded by difficulties. Do you want this reading to be private or posted in the group? Love and light.

Me: I am ok with either. I have been really open about her death for lots of reasons. So even if it may be difficult I am ok with whichever is more comfortable to you. And take your time. I truly do appreciate whatever you have to offer.

Medium: Ok. The kids in your profile picture siblings to your baby?

Me:Yes 
Medium: I feel like sometimes you catch them playing with their sister almost like imagination play 
Me: Yes. Especially to the "almost" part. (The girls play with butterflies in the yard all the time.) 
Medium: Its not imagination. They have a connection to her. In childhood we have stronger connections to the spirits cause imaginary friends are ok.Kate or Katherine is that her name? 
Me: No. (I kissed my angel necklace and whispered for her to try for mommy.) 
Medium: Sorry my fault I allowed myself to get distracted. 
Me: That's ok. I can only imagine how hard it is. (She is miles away looking at a picture.  Give the woman a break) 
Medium: You mentioned butterflies I can feel joy and dancing like lots of butterflies surrounding you. Did you tell her to fly like a butterfly? 
Me: Yes.  (My very best friend just had a stone dedicated to her in a the Botanical Gardens around here that even said she flies with butterflies). Thank you C&P for the best gift anyone could have given us. I love you both to the moon and back...

 But I digress... Back to the reading:

Medium: I keep hearing gab or grab joy does this mean anything 
Me: Gabraella Joy is her name. 
Medium: Oh wow I have chills 
Me: You made me smile. (and cry) 
Medium: A special stuffed animal connection to daddy. Something of hers that daddy always touches 
Me: We have a bear with her urn in it. He calls it “Gabbie bear”. We take it camping. He always brings it he says for me when we go for a few days. 
Medium: She wants you to know that she sees it. It’s beautiful. That's Daddy’s way of protecting you without seeming less macho  
Me: Sounds right. 
Medium: She's ok it’s not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. She has so much energy 
Me: ;')(tears) *Sigh. "She has so much energy". It is important that you just said that 
Medium: The yellow blanket 
Me: Yellow blanket... ? I don't know this. Cream colored? 
Medium: It’s important.  she is talking about you here. You never rest.  Light pastel her sister's room 
Me: Yes the one has pastels. Sort of. But they share (but now I know she’s not talking about YELLOW  she’s talking about the pastel color cream of her sister’s wall color is the same color as her memorial blanket) 
Medium: You wrap yourself in this blanket or shawl 
Me: I did. Just the other day. (when I was going through the closet I opened up her memory box and went through her things.  I wrapped her memorial blanket on my shoulders and put her stuffed toy to my nose to see if it still smelled like new.) 
Medium And you smelled her you knew she was with you 
Me: Yes. :’)  (I said that day as I cried there, that I knew she was with me, I just wish I KNEW.) 
Medium: You and your family have a very strong connection to your baby girl. She's toddling about now. Running playing laughing  (She was never told how old the baby in the picture was, or that she would only be a toddler.) 
Me: :) 
Medium She said the butterflies in the building was her trying to get your attention to look all around you. And you are not crazy when you talk to her she likes that.  (there are so many occasions of seeing butterflies inside, I can’t pick just one, but I’d say it was from her play date at Strong Museum, and I always tell Derek that I know I’m not crazy (using those specific words) but I know it’s her.) 
Me: I understand. 
Medium: There is an older lady maybe in her 70's had breathing issues 
Me: Yes there could be
Medium: She said she loves you. You will always be her light. 
Me: I may know who this is. 
Medium: I feel like there was confusion around this ladies passing and you kept her calm. Like a lighthouse. Is this a mother figure? 
Me: It would be a grandparent. But I'm not sure. I was very young when she left. Unless it’s my aunt. (I am still unsure of who this may be… but maybe I will figure it out.) 
Medium  You are still very intuitive 
Me: Yes.  
Medium: Don't block that part of you. I know it’s scary. But it’s part of you. 
Me: I have been trying to open it more 
Medium: Why I am I seeing a bubble bath is that where you try to connect? 
Me: I took one the other day for the first time in a long time. And yes. I talked to her.(Our shower curtain is covered in butterflies.) 
Medium: That's cool keep doing it. I am glad to have met you. You are a wonderful lady. 
Me: Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much you've made my day. Thank you for finding Gabbie for me. 
Medium: If there is anything that I can help with just let me know I will do what I can. 
Me: One more question? 
Medium: You are welcome my dear love and light. She was never lost.  Ask… 
Me: My husband and I were considering trying again...I just wondered if you could see if maybe we should… 
Medium: It will be a blessing 
Me: Thank you. Hugs and love to you. 
Medium: Name him after his dad he has a strong name. (Him?  This is the second time I’ve been told it would be a boy.) 
Me: :)
Medium: Love and light 
Me: Hugs. So many hugs.

I had D read this and he afterward confessed that if we did get lucky enough to conceive with a boy, he'd been considering naming him a junior.  My skeptical husband is starting to believe.  :)  But I knew.  I knew all along I was right about Gabbie, about the other side, about Angels, and spirits and love.  There was no way the medium found me on Facebook as the site is closed and my profile is private to her, and even if she did, the most she’d have gotten was the baby’s name.  She could not have known about the blanket, nor the bear, nor the bubble bath. She did not say anything I didn’t know.  But she did know an awful lot of things she couldn’t have known. 

I mentioned feathers by the way.  Let me explain.  I have been reading that people have gotten white feathers from loved ones.  I have never noticed them before.  But the other day after we left Gabbie’s new stone and lunch with friends my youngest was skipping down the sidewalk when she wiped out.  I am absolutely certain she hit her face.  She got up crying.  The only thing on her was a little scuff on her knee.  But I SAW her face hit.  When she got up, a white feather fluffed out from beneath her feet.  Then yesterday, after a girls night I told my friends that we (D and I) were thinking about trying this month.  As I said goodnight and turned from them I kicked a large white feather in the darkness.  I am… stunned.  And pleasantly, sweetly missing a sweet baby angel who is trying very hard to put me at peace. 

Baby showers and butterflies

Butterflies were everywhere today.  They swirled around the car and danced in the fields on either side of the street.  In fact, as I turned down the road towards my destination a huge yellow butterfly swiftly fluttered nearly across my windshield.  My destination?  A baby shower.  I secretly planned on ducking out before gifts, and was more than thankful that she planned no games.  I really wanted to attend (maybe).  So I drove through the butterflies and my breath caught in my chest. 

I walked in, and butterflies swirled around.  I sat and listened, and chatted and made Addi giggle.  Gabbie would have been there too and only a month younger than Addi, and they would have giggled together.  But instead, I watched butterflies and talked with Addi’s mom, Al.  I saw some of the fear Al has; she is pregnant.  I hope she never truly knows that fear with all my heart and every ounce of my soul.  I saw the fear and tears in her eyes.  I love that woman.  Please God keep her little one safe.  I watched the other moms-to-be wander around.  There were so many of them.  I was jealous of their naivety and hope.  Lord so many thoughts in my head.  And though they were everywhere I looked, so were butterflies, and so I stayed. 

Then there were presents.  I mentioned to the mom-to-be that I may leave early, and of course she understood, but still, I stayed.  Then she got to mine.  I had included in the basket from my mother-in-law and myself, a sign that I had hand-painted.  “No one will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”  There is no more explanation I can give.  My heart bottoms out with this quote.  It sort of swallows up my soul and wrings it out.  No one… not a single soul can understand this love unless they’ve felt it.  The women who have felt that love and are unable to give that love away, they carry it with them, forever.  The force of that kind of love is explosive if it’s not let out somehow.  So I put some of it in the sign.  

I cried a little bit then, and some looked at me a bit funny, but oh well, you can’t walk in someone else’s shoes.  And then I was good for a while.  I ignored most of the gifts, watching occasionally and commenting seldom.  But I was still “attentive” enough to know what she got.  And then it was over.  I made it through.  Then I hugged the expectant mom.  “I wish you so much luck E.  I hope with all my heart everything goes ok.”  She teared up, I cried, I told her I love her and I walked out into butterflies.  I said bye to Addi’s mom, and then E’s mom.  She hugged me and said she can only imagine how hard it must have been to come.  She’s right.  It was hard to drive there.  Not as hard to stay, perhaps, and exhausting to leave.  I cried all the way home.  I even stopped in the funeral home parking lot where we had Gabbie’s service and talked with Gabbie for a while.  I collected myself, couldn’t look my in-laws in the face as I gathered up Gracie and my stuff, but I thanked them.  I didn’t show it the way I wanted to, but I love the gift they gave us for our anniversary.  I'd have really lost it if I did.  It was a rather large puzzle framed in of Gabbie’s butterfly.  It couldn’t have come at a better moment.  With D having a not so good day yesterday, and then my not so good day today, it only reinforces that butterflies really do come around when we need them the most.  

D and I celebrated our 4^th anniversary only three days ago, and 4 years ago we conceived our 3 year old.  2 years ago, we conceived Gabbie.  The world continues to spin moving on with or without us.  Even though no one ever wants their relationship to grow stronger out of tragedy, I think we are stronger together.  I love that man.  To heaven and back, I love him.  I am so sorry I couldn’t give him another baby to watch grow, at least not yet.  I am so lucky to have him to hold me and to help me see, that although the world keeps turning, and others’ lives go on with new babies coming, we will be okay someday. 

For the record, I think I'm done with baby showers.   I'm totally exhausted.  But I guess I can only say that on a case by case basis. I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life who continue to show support, concern, and understanding. I hope that I never let any of you down.