with or without "her"

I was thinking of things to pack.  Tomorrow is Thursday, and we’re leaving for the camping trailer’s debut Friday.  I have to be packed.  Trailer is set; the food shopping is nearly done, now to pack clothes and whatnots.  Is it silly that I want to pack HER too?  I know that she is with me.  I KNOW this.  But, how do I leave HER behind?  The logical side of me knows that they are only ashes, that the “real” her is all around me.  But that’s not logical either.  Where is there logic in that?  “All around me,” “Real,” “With me.”  None of that is logical.  What the hell?!  How do I leave her behind?  It is only camping.  It is only for a couple days.  But, but… but… She should be there too.  We would not be there if she were here, we would not have bought the trailer if she were here.  Shit.  I’ve just realized how hard this weekend is going to be.  We should not be there.  We should not be there without her, or at all.  Yet we are, because we are without her.  And how do I leave her, the substance of her, at home?  I don’t want someone to tell me not to bring her.  I don’t know who would but anyone I guess.  Yet I want someone to talk pretend logic into me to tell me not to bring her so I can rage and cry and say “She should come too” because it’s not logical and nothing is logical.  And I never really raged and threw stuff or exploded or imploded even though I should have. 

None of this makes sense. 

This weekend is supposed to be fun and relaxing and family time.  It will be.  I will make sure the girls have fun.  But, I don’t want to be far from her for so long.  I know it’s not long, but it feels long.  We’ve stayed away similar amounts of time.  (But she should be with us.)  Maybe it is because of what it is?  That we wouldn’t be there if we had her?  (But she should be with us.)  I have no response to “how long will I want her close.”  I have no response… forever?  Until the fifteenth of some unknown month at some time in the distant or not distant future… but no… the fifteenth is too close to the 25^th, so is the 26^th.  I have no idea. 

I know she is not alive.  I know that there is nothing that I need to do with ashes that require them along.  But what if I want to hold her and cry and she’s not there.  She already isn’t there… my arms will be empty… again… anyway… 

It’s weird having a baby that you don’t really have.  And then what if I bring her and don’t cry at all… still no sense. 

None of this makes sense and suddenly I’m lost all over again and still have no idea what to do with Gabbie or without her.