Preparing to be prepared... For anything.

The baby is developing perfectly. I did not expect this to be different. None of my girls had abnormalities or poor development. No. They were all beautiful perfect little baby girls. The only one who was sick through any of my pregnancies was me. 

At the sonogram appointment yesterday it was not that I had somehow talked myself into believing there'd be something wrong. It was that everything would be ok. I had always thought with Gabbie that everything would be okay. And now I know it may not be. There was no reason. We were given no warning. All my diligence and love could not save her. The last time I had a sonogram machine on me we did not hear her heartbeat. It's too early for this baby's heart to be heard. I am scared of the day I feel it move. And no matter how hard I wish or pray or try or worry, and no matter how many doctors or sonograms or tests I have, I know there is a possibility this baby may not come home.   That thought is where nightmares come from. But I have to prepare and believe that it will come home. I have to prepare to be prepared in the event my life changes because it WILL change one way or another. 

I described it like this to a friend at work today: it is like I am watching a movie in which I play a role but for some reason I can't remember the ending. It is all so surreal.