New beginnings

Tomorrow D has his procedure.  And our ability to have babies ends.  I'm sad.  What makes it worse is it is also the same day that my cycle ends.  I look at Evie and know she is my last, that the rainbow after my storm really is it.  I know my body can't handle anymore pregnancies, and to even think about more would actually be cruel to me, to my girls, and to D but I'm stubborn and proud and don't like to think that I won't make anything so beautiful again.

That being said, I can't get enough of Evie.  I don't mind the feedings, the late night hours, I love the one on one time with her.  And time is so fleeting.  She's only 2 months but so big.  She won't be a baby much longer and I know it isn't fair but my time with her almost has to count for 2 times.  I still feel so robbed.  With the girls, S and G, I didn't know what I had.  I was selfish, and young, and naive.  But with Evie, it's different.  I feel guilty knowing how much I didn't know with my two sweet older girls.  Yes they are precious and now more precious still.  But it is not the same. My naive nature when I had the first two is tragic.  Not having anymore beautiful babies somehow means I can't share what I know with any other babies.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just a hormonal mess.  I can't have more.  I know this.  I'm sad.  I'm ok with it.  I have to be.  Just like I have to be okay with so many other things.  I guess this picture I found today is even more meaningful...

Perhaps it's time to plan time for me and D.  Of the 5 years we've been married, I've been pregnant for 3.  Maybe it's time to focus on us.  It's time to focus on my girls and making the best use of time I have with them while I still have them everyday, while they still want to spend time with me.  Perhaps it really is time to trust in new beginnings...it doesn't mean I have to be okay with the past, it just means I can look forward to the beginnings and take the rest as they begin: One beautiful day at a time.  I owe myself that much and somehow this picture makes me know Gabbie would agree.  It didn't appear on my newsfeed on FB today by accident.