I know it's not my fault... but what about the "supposed to's" (may 7, 2012)

I was due to give birth on May 8th 2012. I had a C-section scheduled on May 1. I woke up April 25th, the day before my youngest little girl's 2nd Birthday. I cleaned up around the house, I made breakfast, I did mother things. I did not notice that the baby within had not moved all morning until just before noon. After calling my husband, and then the doctor I was rushed immediately into L&D thinking the entire time that she had just dropped a little more and run out room.
The first nurse found a heartbeat with the monitors, but did not respond when I said, "oh that's a relief." She simply said minutes later that she was going to confirm the placement of the baby in a sonogram and quickly left. The heartbeat had been mine.
She returned trailed by three white coats and all three stared intently at the monitor. The one with the wand asked if she could sit on the bed. My husband held me closer.
"Is she alright?" I asked.
"No I'm sorry." And my supposed to be future stopped with her little tiny heartbeat.
Every thing, every plan that we had made over the last 9 months that was so certain to happen, that was SUPPOSED to be is changed. I was supposed to hold her, and feed her, take care of her, love her, watch her grow and play and interact with us all. I was supposed to save her and keep her healthy and I was supposed to touch her pink cheeks and count her pink toes...
I held her, My Gabraella Joy, after, after they unwrapped the cord that was not SUPPOSED to be wrapped four times. I held her and loved her, and love her still. But I cannot love her like I'm supposed to love her.
And all of these "Supposed to be" things I'm somehow supposed to make peace with and I'm SUPPOSED to one day be okay with and I still can hardly wrap my mind around them. How with two beautiful healthy girls at home did I fail so miserably at saving the smallest?
I know... I know.... there was nothing anyone could do. But it's not much comfort.