I miss butterflies, the ones inside, and out

I’m 2 days short of 17 weeks.  

My three other girls I remember going to the doctor for my sonogram for anatomy and telling the girl that I’ve felt movement for weeks.  I hardly feel this baby.  I want to but I don’t.  I remember being able to feel my girls move so early: little butterflies fluttering inside, tiny bubbles like those on the side of a glass of soda popping up the inside wall of me.  I remember.  I remember how much Gabbie moved.  And I guess I just took it for granted that she’d never stop.  Now I don’t feel this baby hardly at all and I want to so badly it aches in the deep down parts of my stomach, waiting.  Everything I’ve read claims that most new moms feel movement between 16 and 18 weeks and  steady movement by 22 weeks, but seasoned veteran moms can feel them as early as 12.  This is not my first rodeo.  I know what I’m looking for.  I have felt evidence of the butterflies so I know it is possible to feel it.  I know each pregnancy is different but I’m sinking inside over here waiting to feel the movement that promises he or she is still with me.  How is possible that I can have a life form INSIDE of me, the closest possible way for it to be near me, and have no control?  I get it, I HAVE NO CONTROL.  I HAVE NO CONTROL. I HAVE NO CONTROL.  God will take this one too if he wants to.  An accident can happen again.  I can’t look inside and see if it’s alright.  I’m sorry but it is so hard to just trust that it’ll be okay, and yet I have no choice.  The strange thing is at first I was terribly concerned about how I would react once I started to feel it move.  It was with trepidation that I was anticipating the movement, those beautiful soft inside butterflies, and what it would do to my mental stability.   But now, after waiting for it to begin and not feeling it, I am concerned about my state of mind should I not feel it move soon. 

I miss my angel, she is with me I know, and watches out for me and this tiny little person who grows inside.  But I miss the evidence that this tiny peanut should be giving me that it is still in there and doing ok… 

It snows soft white flakes outside.  I miss butterflies.