I went to the Walk to Remember on Sunday. I brought Gabbie's flag project. I watched the 57 flags fluttering in the breeze. I cannot believe that my first year I had 33 the day before the walk and now there's 57. It's my third year there. Some day it will be my 33 Walk if still they do it and I will still go. It has been 2 and half years of time passing by without her. So much of that time seems missing somehow. Now I have Evie and time keeps marching and she's 5 months old. She smiles, giggles, rolls over, cuddles, blows raspberries, and kisses. But while I'm working on trying to balance life and raising three girls I sometimes feel like I'm somehow missing out on them. I'm so caught up in trying to be prepared and to remember things that I'm losing the time I have right now. Evie is my last and holding her, especially at night it's almost like the time I have with her is tangible. S sits in the front seat of the car now, she's 11 and big. I can see her starting to mature. He wishes for things like trying Starbucks or owning a Northface are real and telling; she's becoming less of a little girl and more of a young woman. G and I had to have a discussion about strangers because in her innocence she thought that if a stranger told her they were taking her to me she should go with them. She knows now that she should run and scream. It's things like that that make me realize the world forces us to steal their innocence. And time required them to know things, to grow up before I wish they had to. Time is stealing my babies away. Or perhaps I've only just been lent them, they were never really mine. The thought makes me sad.
But I digress. I went to the Walk by myself, I'm perfectly ok with that. I do not expect nor wish for company, not even D. We grieve differently and simply put, that is perfectly ok. I do not get to celebrate her birthdays or her milestones, and her flag project is important to me, so I went. One woman waited by Gabbie's sign to hug me and thank me for the project and the page on FB. It humbled me. We talked for a few minutes. After she left I stood there by her sign by myself and cried quietly. I miss my angel's face so much. I cannot even picture who she'd be today. I wish I could. A woman touched my shoulder and asked to give me a hug. She wrapped her arms around me and told me Gabbie was right beside her angels in heaven. I have no words. Friends of mine I met in a support group walked by and stopped to hug me too and take pictures of me at her sign. The goodness in hearts is astounding. I was never actually alone. When I was looking at the flags the photographer mentioned how beautiful they were. I told him the project was mine and he commended me in it's beauty. Again I had no words.
There is so much I want to say, to her, to the girls, to people but there are no words. I do not miss her less. I miss her all the same, still to the deepest parts of me. It doesn't hurt less it just hurts differently. I will always count her in my kids when people ask me how many I have. I will always explain I have 4 beautiful girls. When they ask me how old they are I'll tell them the ages of my earthly beauties and that my angel in heaven would be 2, and someday 3 and someday 33.
I will continue to collect flags. I will bring them to the remembrance days even if going to the Walk made me sad. Someday maybe I won't cry. And if not, well then I'll cry every year and be ok with it. But the flags give people peace. They make me proud to be her mama. They make me humbled by other's love and sadness and gratitude. And if collecting the flags and displaying them as often as possible raises awareness about pregnancy and infant loss to just one person then it's one more person that will talk a bit more kindly, hug a grieving person longer, and live a little more in the knowledge that not all babies come home from the hospital and it's okay to say their name.
I know she can see what we have done together. I know she watched the flags on the wind sending the prayers to other angels. I hope she is as proud of me as I am to be her mama. I am the mother of an angel and 3 beautiful flesh and blood girls. And no matter how time falls away, passes by, or matches on, to my very last breath I will make sure that they know how much I love them and am so proud to be their mama.
