Father's Day champion

I don't have much to give.  I don't have money to buy a gift or even an idea of what I could get him if I had money to spend.  What I do have is words. And love. 

When I met him he was a bachelor without children. I had S. She was almost 2; she's 11 now.  When he finally came into S's life it was a transition that he eased into. I will not say it was flawless but he was beyond good with her.  He assumed a role with her that many fail at, and when he became a steady person in our lives we both gained something that cannot be replaced.

Then he and I got married and had G-- daddy's girl.  He never flinched adding one more to our family only 9 months and a day after we got married. She became his cuddle monster, he had a knack at putting her to sleep when I could not. Crawling into bed on his side for a few minutes of sleep in the morning or when she had a nightmare became expected of her and he welcomed it, and welcomes it still. 

He makes sure to make the time to take the two to sporting events, practices and rehearsals. He spends hours at recitals and cheers them on. He is their champion.

And then we had Gabbie.  He became the father of an angel too. And he became our everything when I was nothing but a puddle in bed, he made sure we still rolled on while I was lost.  He is our champion.

Then we found out we were having Evie and he became her champion before he ever knew her. He rallied her when she was quiet inside. He waited to see her rolling inside my belly. And the nearer it got to meeting her he worried silently, staying strong for me. And then she came and again he was my strength taking care of her when I could not, taking care of me when I could not.

And now, that I am so tired, and hurting with this endometriosis which is sometimes more physically painful than anything I know, he does what needs to be done. He does it his way, and it works and I can't and wouldn't complain, because it's more than I can do sometimes. Sure you could say, "it's what he's supposed to do he's a father and a spouse" but not every man can nor would.   Many marriages have ended after a loss like ours. But he holds strong and he does it without complaint--- all of it: the stepfather to a tween, the father to two beautiful girls of his own,  the father of an angel,  the man who takes care of me. I don't know what I'd do without him. Thank you Babe, for being the best father to my children and partner I could ever imagine and hope for.

The verdict--- The large elephant in the middle of my near future.

Perhaps severe endometriosis--  that's the verdict.  The sentence: partial hysterectomy with the possibility of loss of an ovary or two.

So here's the problem, or the perceived problem: the theory is I have retrograde endometriosis.  That's, theoretically, when the menstruation cycle does not empty correctly from your uterus but instead empties in a reverse fashion out through your Fallopian tubes and into your body. The menstrual tissue then implants in the abdomen cavity and grows because of an immune system problem or hormonal problem.  This is just a theory, but the theory, currently, that my doctor is subscribing to.  There really is no absolute proven clinical cause for a woman to have endometriosis.

The other options besides surgery weren't really options at all.  I could go permanently on birth control or hormones to control it's growth, but all birth controls I've been on have made me sick or altered my psyche, so those aren't really an option.  I could treat the pain with doctor prescribed narcotics but that's only masking the problem and would eventually worsen the situation.  So, like I said these are not options.

The procedure will be robotically done.  The idea is to go in and take out  my sick uterus and affected ovaries, then take out all the displaced tissue to keep it from growing and affecting other organs and causing more damage.  Going into the surgery which right now is the only real option, I know for certain I will not have my uterus when I wake up, that is the only certainty.

There are many unknowns.

1. Will I have one or both ovaries or will I be on hormone replacement therapy forever?

2. Will there be complications with other organs?  The doctor mentioned a common complication is damage to my bladder.  It will be fixable but will require a bag until it's healed.

3. If there is too much damage from the displaced tissue it may require invasive surgery and not just laproscopic, so I may wake to another large scar similar to my c-section where they had to go in and fix the damage.  

4. There is about a 40% chance that the surgery may not solve the problem entirely depending on how severe the stage of endometriosis.

Pros:

1. I may have no more pain.  

2. I will no longer have my period.  (Seriously, though every woman should cheer at this because I don't care who you are, your periods are annoying at best and a high maintenance painful bitch at worst.)

3. I should be at least a couple pounds lighter right? I mean come on I'm giving up a body part for this. (I say facetiously.)

4. I may finally feel better.  Maybe even capable or running again.  Perhaps I won't be so tired ALL of the time.  Post surgery me seems pretty wonderful.  I hope.  

5. I will no longer have a uterus that I still believe caused us to lose Gabbie-- a sad and final revenge on it?  Perhaps.  But I'm still angry it failed me.
These are pretty good Pros.

Cons:

1. There are many unknowns.

2. I am slightly (okay perhaps slightly more that "slightly") terrified of surgery.  I mean come on, I needed a transfusion with my last big surgery.  How though, unless your a surgeon and you live for this crap, who really likes surgery?  Crazy people.  

3. I will never again have the option of procreating.  Of being a new mommy again.  Of seeing that little face with squinty eyes blink at me in the bright light of a hospital room.  But realistically I can't anyway.  D can't (so it's a non-issue anyway) and the thought of pregnancy again is silly. It is too stressful, dangerous, (stupidly risky) and endometriosis is damaging and causes infertility.  I am however, attached to my uterus-- pun both intended and not intended.  It gave me four beautiful girls.  It allowed me to grow miracles.  It is a part of me, a useful, blessing-providing organ that gave and without it, I am... well... without it.
4. Scheduled for July sometime around the 20th (I am still waiting for the specific date from my Doctor) my summer will, realistically be over.
5. I feel bad that D's vasectomy was for no reason since I have to get a hysterectomy anyway.  We were trying to prevent me from having another surgery which obviously was not in cards.
6. I will not be able to pick up a very active, very sweet 1 year old who will not understand.  This perhaps makes me the most sad.  I will not be able to carry Evie, pick her up, or hold her while standing for at least 6 weeks.  This one sucks.
Okay, they all suck.

So there it is.  The Elephant in my future.  

Antidepressants

A year ago after Evie I became terribly postpartum. I was so in love with Evie and so sad I'd never have the same opportunities of mothering Gabbie. I became anxious that something would happen to her. Riding in the car as a passenger became terrifying-- who knew if we'd all be okay; I couldnt breathe.
So, I started on Celexa. It took away the anxiety and deep sadness. But now, possibly because of its side effects, and possibly because of hormones I am having terrible abdominal pains. 

These pains are similar to, comparable to those of a c-section as your body comes down off the anesthesia and you feel it for the first real time. It's horrible crippling pain.

Last month I went into the hospital for the pain. They admitted me. I had inflammation around my ovaries, fallopian tubes, intestines, colon and appendix but they could find no cause. My belly was distended with the pain, it is now. They did CAT Scans, and internal and external Sonograms. They gave me pain killers which helped with the pain but doped me up to sleeping most of the time. They gave me an antibiotic which melted some of the inflammation.  They sent me home. I saw a gastro, he found nothing in colonoscopy. 

I uncovered that some of my symptoms may be caused by the side effects of Celexa.  Some of the rarer effects are pelvic inflammatory problems.   Awesome by the way.   As D stated. .. I think I'd rather be sad.   But the problem with this point is the first occurrence of this pain was before Evie after I had been off antidepressants for a while, so maybe they aren't related. I'm at my wits end. I will be seeing my OBGYN Wednesday. I'm definitely weaning of the antidepressants even though I'm scared of the saddness and anxiety returning. I pray that the Celexa is the problem and is an easy fix,  though I'd be annoyed that the doctors didn't see it. However,  if it's not,  the alternatives are pretty sucky options.

As an update,  Gabbie's still sends me signs.   Butterflies,  and whispered "mama"s as I fall of to sleep.   Evie is walking and talking,  she just turned 1.  My older two G and S ate such good big sisters.  G has had a lot of questions lately regarding Gabbie and her ashes.   Time seems to fly so quickly.