Dear Gabbie,
I am writing this because perhaps if you can see this, however irrational it may be, perhaps it will help me to forgive myself, if I thought for just a minute that you forgave me too...
It is my fault. No matter what they say it is my fault. I feel that I am the only one who maybe could have saved you. I feel guilt that I did not know you were slowly going to sleep. I feel like a failure as a mother that I could not keep you safe, and a failure too, that because I could not keep you safe your sisters and your daddy feel sadness. I can't protect them either from pain and sadness. A mother should always be able to protect and fix, yet I can do neither of those things.
I am sorry that I could not hold you longer. That we had them take you from me so soon, even though I know it had been hours, I just want to hold you just a minute more, a forever minute more. I am sorry that you will not be around to eat your first birthday cake, that you won't mush it around in your hands and have a frosting smile. I am sorry that I will never have pictures of you taking your first steps or grinning with your first tooth. I am sorry that you will never kiss your daddy and feel his scratchy beard or pull your sisters hair or play in my makeup. I am sorry you will never try on my shoes or wear your sisters' hand-me-down clothes. I am sorry that your daddy will never dance with you at your wedding or that you will never tell a fib about your sisters to keep yourself out of trouble. I am sorry that you will never learn to ride a bike or be afraid of the dark. I am sorry that you will never be valedictorian or lose your phone for failing a test. I am sorry for all the things you'll never do, for the smiles and tears your sisters will miss out on and for all the kisses your daddy will never get. I am sorry for all the good-night-rocking I will never get to do. I am sorry that I failed you. I am sorry that I could not keep you safe. I love you more than I love myself and yet you are not eve here to receive it and so it floats out there like butterflies. Please forgive me.
Love forever and always,
Mommy
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
To hold
I carried you within me long before conception,
each month, each year a forever waiting for the news.
I loved considering how life would change in ways I could not imagine, how I'd have a baby to hold,
I thought long of how the world would grow to love you
Then you grew
And I carried you within me long before your birth
Each day, each week was a lifetime waiting for you.
I loved considering how life would be different, I could imagine it as I looked about your things that I could hold
I thought of how much you'd be loved by all, were loved already
And then you got your wings
And I carried you within me long before I knew what happened to you, each hour each minute endless waiting for the news
I loved considering how the outcome would be different, how you'd overcome, fight on, live for me to hold
I thought for sure it'd somehow be okay because my love would somehow save you
And then you were gone for good
And I carried you for no time, not enough time, want to hold you still
And I loved and hurt considering how you'd have changed if you had the chance or could, how you wanted me to hold you too
And I thought of how I would have loved you no matter what and how I love you still
Then you were memories
And I carried you
and carry you still within me for tomorrow and tomorrow still, a boundless time before me.
I love and hurt considering how life would have been with you and how I'd have given nearly anything to keep you with me forever if just to hold
And I think that if my love for you could not save you then maybe it can save me so
I will carry you within me, forever just to hold.
each month, each year a forever waiting for the news.
I loved considering how life would change in ways I could not imagine, how I'd have a baby to hold,
I thought long of how the world would grow to love you
Then you grew
And I carried you within me long before your birth
Each day, each week was a lifetime waiting for you.
I loved considering how life would be different, I could imagine it as I looked about your things that I could hold
I thought of how much you'd be loved by all, were loved already
And then you got your wings
And I carried you within me long before I knew what happened to you, each hour each minute endless waiting for the news
I loved considering how the outcome would be different, how you'd overcome, fight on, live for me to hold
I thought for sure it'd somehow be okay because my love would somehow save you
And then you were gone for good
And I carried you for no time, not enough time, want to hold you still
And I loved and hurt considering how you'd have changed if you had the chance or could, how you wanted me to hold you too
And I thought of how I would have loved you no matter what and how I love you still
Then you were memories
And I carried you
and carry you still within me for tomorrow and tomorrow still, a boundless time before me.
I love and hurt considering how life would have been with you and how I'd have given nearly anything to keep you with me forever if just to hold
And I think that if my love for you could not save you then maybe it can save me so
I will carry you within me, forever just to hold.
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