Dear Gabbie: because feelings are irrational

Dear Gabbie,
I am writing this because perhaps if you can see this, however irrational it may be, perhaps it will help me to forgive myself, if I thought for just a minute that you forgave me too...

It is my fault. No matter what they say it is my fault. I feel that I am the only one who maybe could have saved you. I feel guilt that I did not know you were slowly going to sleep. I feel like a failure as a mother that I could not keep you safe, and a failure too, that because I could not keep you safe your sisters and your daddy feel sadness. I can't protect them either from pain and sadness. A mother should always be able to protect and fix, yet I can do neither of those things.

I am sorry that I could not hold you longer. That we had them take you from me so soon, even though I know it had been hours, I just want to hold you just a minute more, a forever minute more. I am sorry that you will not be around to eat your first birthday cake, that you won't mush it around in your hands and have a frosting smile. I am sorry that I will never have pictures of you taking your first steps or grinning with your first tooth. I am sorry that you will never kiss your daddy and feel his scratchy beard or pull your sisters hair or play in my makeup. I am sorry you will never try on my shoes or wear your sisters' hand-me-down clothes. I am sorry that your daddy will never dance with you at your wedding or that you will never tell a fib about your sisters to keep yourself out of trouble. I am sorry that you will never learn to ride a bike or be afraid of the dark. I am sorry that you will never be valedictorian or lose your phone for failing a test. I am sorry for all the things you'll never do, for the smiles and tears your sisters will miss out on and for all the kisses your daddy will never get. I am sorry for all the good-night-rocking I will never get to do. I am sorry that I failed you. I am sorry that I could not keep you safe. I love you more than I love myself and yet you are not eve here to receive it and so it floats out there like butterflies. Please forgive me.

Love forever and always,
Mommy