I miss butterflies, the ones inside, and out

I’m 2 days short of 17 weeks.  

My three other girls I remember going to the doctor for my sonogram for anatomy and telling the girl that I’ve felt movement for weeks.  I hardly feel this baby.  I want to but I don’t.  I remember being able to feel my girls move so early: little butterflies fluttering inside, tiny bubbles like those on the side of a glass of soda popping up the inside wall of me.  I remember.  I remember how much Gabbie moved.  And I guess I just took it for granted that she’d never stop.  Now I don’t feel this baby hardly at all and I want to so badly it aches in the deep down parts of my stomach, waiting.  Everything I’ve read claims that most new moms feel movement between 16 and 18 weeks and  steady movement by 22 weeks, but seasoned veteran moms can feel them as early as 12.  This is not my first rodeo.  I know what I’m looking for.  I have felt evidence of the butterflies so I know it is possible to feel it.  I know each pregnancy is different but I’m sinking inside over here waiting to feel the movement that promises he or she is still with me.  How is possible that I can have a life form INSIDE of me, the closest possible way for it to be near me, and have no control?  I get it, I HAVE NO CONTROL.  I HAVE NO CONTROL. I HAVE NO CONTROL.  God will take this one too if he wants to.  An accident can happen again.  I can’t look inside and see if it’s alright.  I’m sorry but it is so hard to just trust that it’ll be okay, and yet I have no choice.  The strange thing is at first I was terribly concerned about how I would react once I started to feel it move.  It was with trepidation that I was anticipating the movement, those beautiful soft inside butterflies, and what it would do to my mental stability.   But now, after waiting for it to begin and not feeling it, I am concerned about my state of mind should I not feel it move soon. 

I miss my angel, she is with me I know, and watches out for me and this tiny little person who grows inside.  But I miss the evidence that this tiny peanut should be giving me that it is still in there and doing ok… 

It snows soft white flakes outside.  I miss butterflies. 

I cannot care

I'm almost 16 weeks. I don't feel this baby like I felt my others. Or maybe like I remember feeling my others.  I barely feel it at all (and there again I almost typed 'her').  I'd say it's too early but I feel it once in a while so is it? Or maybe I'm just anxious. 

Names. I've been asked if I've thought of any. I can honestly say I've not considered a single one. I don't care what the sex is. I don't care to shop. I don't care to prepare.  Maybe it'll change later. But really, right now, none if it matters except for that I care too much and so I cannot care.

But later may be in the end of May I will.  

I wish I had 5 stockings hung. 

Testing.

We heard the heartbeat today. We saw the little fingers and toes. We saw its round belly and little round face. 

The heartbeat. Fast. Strong. Sweet. 

It's all the same as the last three times. 

I think of it like a flip of a coin and the first 2 times I guessed heads correctly. The third time I lost the coin toss. 

The specialist for at risk babies was excellent though. Reassuring. Thorough. Honest. Knowledgable. 

She's sending me for tests to see if we can find the reason for the extra fluid that gave Gabbie the extra room to move and get wrapped up. I don't know if it would be reassuring to find a reason or if I don't want to find anything. A freak accident- something that was unpreventable, a tragic event that happens without reason, the way of the world as I've come to be accustomed to thinking? Or something that could have been prevented if they'd found it- something that happened from not enough diligent and thorough watching, something that happened from not knowing enough, not having adequate enough knowledge?  Do I want to continue to think I still have no control? Or do I want to think that maybe if I'd known I could have stopped it because that could mean that maybe it'll be more likely that I'll leave that hospital with a baby? The reasoning though of "being able to stop it if only they'd have done these blood tests earlier" is... Hard to swallow.   Right now in my heart it's 50/50. 50% chance of delivering a beautifully perfect pink breathing baby and 50% chance of delivering a beautifully perfect stillborn baby. At least that's what it is in my heart: 50/50. In my head perhaps, with the specialists talents, knowledge and diligence maybe it's a shift to 51/49 chance of healthy pink and wonderful.  

I just don't know which way I want it to go, find a reason, or not find a reason. And faith is heavy to carry all the time. I am really good at believing others will be fine and terrible at believing we will be, at least on the inside. 

My heart and faith are still so fragile and although it is reassuring that there will be so many people watching it is utterly terrifying and the deepest part of my soul still shakes.  I am still being tested. 

Don't stop

I had written it out exactly what I wanted to say. But then I stopped. I erased it. There are no exact words. I am not naive. This baby is moving. At any point it could stop. It's that simple. At any point it could stop.

I keep writing "her" and then erasing it. It is not yet a she. It is not yet a he. It is not She, no not my Gabbie.  I don't care which it is, a he or a she, I just want it to live. I don't want it to stop. 

I am not naive. I cannot unknow. I have nothing more to give but my love which is already so much and I am so afraid but I have no control and know that no matter what I cannot stop the destiny. 

With my fear in my pocket, faith on my sleeve, a smile on my face, my heart filled with love, I wait and begin to count the kicks. Please baby whatever you do, know that mama loves you, and wants you to keep kicking. 

Another message from my angel, delivered... I'm listening sweet baby

On FB, I frequent a group in which mediums and psychics give readings.  On occasion they do open readings in which they pick members of the group to give a free reading to.  I'm not really sure how it happens, but twice now I have been given an unsolicited, impromptu reading.  The first one was so spot on it was amazing, the second, was a bit more broad in it's spectrum of topics but again, amazing.  Here is her message, it all made perfect sense, but I'm including here only the elements that would make sense here, others would require too much explanation.  I've put into parenthesis my ties to the message and bolded the parts that are just so striking:

hello now I have been drawn to you! but Ii will say that even if we do not get what we want to hear, it what is needed to be given at the time? all i ask is for feedback to be placed on the group page if your happy and thankful for this guidance x

I’m feeling a young spirit too around and that I’m seeing healing {Gabbie} and, also I feel someone is not well or was unwell or worrying as I see someone being very restless, as not sleeping properly and of a night. {S was very ill this night}

You have healing in your hands and you can help heal others to {My group on FB and my flag project?}

and you've been getting signs, if not you will from a loved one, even if a picture fell down or over or you notice or hear something? trust these signs too as they are to help you also,

You also need faith in a situation that's going on at the moment an important one?? and you cannot control the outcome of this situation or be the script writer of this? it works in divine timing and how his and the angel feel this situation be dealt with and the outcome? you have a spiritual gift to and you sense and so to this situation going on have faith

also trust and remember the signs you being given, dream's, visions, hear a conversation? radio, listen to the messages and inner guidance ?? and your feminine side will help with your spiritual development too?? x god bless

There was more, about larger family issues, but these are so spot on.  I am so thankful that my angel comes through for me and whispers in the ears of people who can hear and listen...  Have faith.  Have faith.  Have faith.  Everything will be okay.