FRIDAY: Today I awoke in pain. I'm so swollen I look 3 months pregnant. I have to overlap pain pills with 600 ibuprofen just to take the edge off. I have no choice. I'd go to the hospital for the pain if I didn't know what it was, but I do know, so the trip would be pointless. I walk hunched over like I'm very very old. A simple tap on my stomach sends shooting pain through my body.
Today is the beginning of my last period. I thought for a while today about how I'll never have another baby. I considered how Evie is my last. The decision (not that there really was one, because having babies really is too dangerous for me) is made. I cannot nor will not have any more. My body, God, whatever, has decided that for me. And I'm okay with it. There's been so much pain for me these last few years. So many things have gone wrong, it's time to let things go, starting with my insides I guess. It'll be nice to be healthy again. Derek isn't home tonight, I'm staying at my in laws with the kids.
SATURDAY: Taking the cycle of percocet and ibuprofen still. I tried to eat this cereal morning, I threw it up. Not good. I still hurt. Yesterday at its worst, I lay in bed crying. Curled in the fetal position hand over my face, sobbing. D's parents saw this. I don't think they knew how much this disease hurts.
Disease. That's the first time I've called it that. That's what it's called in everything I read: a disease. A disease that much is not known about. I wonder how long I've had it and it was masked by birth control? I wonder if it may have caused the issues with my water? I wonder if it's been causing my bowel issues this whole time? This smart likely.
SUNDAY (or realistically Monday since it's 4 am): I can't sleep. Not because I'm not tired but because D woke me up checking on me. I'm not sure if he was even awake. My stomach still hurts some. And my lower abdomin still hurts too. I wonder if the medicine regime that I never take messed with my stomach. It feels like I got punched in the guts. I can't take ibuprofen anymore--- surgery is a week away. I'm nervous about it. What if it's worse than suspected? What if they can't get it all?
I say these things knowing that the success rate is good. That's more than other diseases offer. I should be grateful and I am.
One week out, and nearly through one more flare up. This one was the worst. I'd have been in the hospital again if I didn't know what it was. They get progressively more painful. One week out and as scared as I am I hope the surgery comes and is over quickly. It's a rather large and looming date in my future. Now to get through one more major appointment with my general practitioner for her to give the surgery the go ahead. I hope it goes smoothly. But that appointment is Tuesday.
