Testing.

We heard the heartbeat today. We saw the little fingers and toes. We saw its round belly and little round face. 

The heartbeat. Fast. Strong. Sweet. 

It's all the same as the last three times. 

I think of it like a flip of a coin and the first 2 times I guessed heads correctly. The third time I lost the coin toss. 

The specialist for at risk babies was excellent though. Reassuring. Thorough. Honest. Knowledgable. 

She's sending me for tests to see if we can find the reason for the extra fluid that gave Gabbie the extra room to move and get wrapped up. I don't know if it would be reassuring to find a reason or if I don't want to find anything. A freak accident- something that was unpreventable, a tragic event that happens without reason, the way of the world as I've come to be accustomed to thinking? Or something that could have been prevented if they'd found it- something that happened from not enough diligent and thorough watching, something that happened from not knowing enough, not having adequate enough knowledge?  Do I want to continue to think I still have no control? Or do I want to think that maybe if I'd known I could have stopped it because that could mean that maybe it'll be more likely that I'll leave that hospital with a baby? The reasoning though of "being able to stop it if only they'd have done these blood tests earlier" is... Hard to swallow.   Right now in my heart it's 50/50. 50% chance of delivering a beautifully perfect pink breathing baby and 50% chance of delivering a beautifully perfect stillborn baby. At least that's what it is in my heart: 50/50. In my head perhaps, with the specialists talents, knowledge and diligence maybe it's a shift to 51/49 chance of healthy pink and wonderful.  

I just don't know which way I want it to go, find a reason, or not find a reason. And faith is heavy to carry all the time. I am really good at believing others will be fine and terrible at believing we will be, at least on the inside. 

My heart and faith are still so fragile and although it is reassuring that there will be so many people watching it is utterly terrifying and the deepest part of my soul still shakes.  I am still being tested.