to be thankful means I can see beauty through darkness

I read a post from a stranger who visited my blog about giving thanks to God because when you give thanks you let Him lead you on the path He chose for you and do not have to fear the future.  I cannot give thanks to Him.  I just can’t.  I first cannot believe that He would allow such things to happen.  Babies shouldn’t die just because and so I can’t bring myself to give thanks for it.  Secondly, I can't give thanks to Him, because if He did do this then I don't currently agree with His plan. I'll just wait to see where he's going with this.  However the blogger did have a point.  There are many things that happened around this darkest time that I absolutely can give thanks for, so here I go: 

• I am thankful for the doctors who sat on my bed and had to give a very terrified me the worst news they probably ever have to deliver.  Someone had to tell us and they tried to ease those terribly heavy words onto us as lightly as possible.  They had very difficult days that day and I can only imagine what it must have been like for them.
•   I am thankful for my husband who held me and comforted me with the whole of him, and was my buoy when I was drowning in chaos and sorrow even though his world was crushing down on him too, in painfully heavy waves. 
• I am thankful for nurses who pulled the bangs away from my eyes ignoring the rest of the world just to squeeze my hand, or bathe me with warm rags, but never telling me it would be okay.  They sat on my bed next to me just to be near me, and came to visit me the next days just to check in.
• I am thankful for the nurse who bathed Gabbie, took pictures, dressed her and lovingly held her without fear or aversion to my beautiful still baby. 
• I am thankful for my mother and father in-law who sped to the hospital as fast as their car would go and swept my girls off even though their hearts were broken too.
• I am thankful for my sisters who tried everything in their power to ease the heartache even when it meant hurting their own to ease mine.  I am thankful for them crying with me, and letting me talk about her, and for answering texts in the dark of night when I just wanted someone to know I was crying after everyone had long been sleeping.  
• I am thankful for a brother who, although he may not know what to say, he came to the hospital too be with us.  
• I am thankful for my mom who held her grand-baby and touched her and loved her even though she was perfect but not perfect.  I am thankful for the way she tried so hard to show she had meaning and been loved by everyone.
• I am thankful for my stepfather for telling me in the only way he knows how, that he loves me: with 2 strong arms wrapped around me in a hug and a promise that I'll be better some day.
•  I am thankful for a pastor who put the world and his own family to the side for the day in order to be with us and baptize Gabbie and cry with us.  He filled out endless paperwork for us and made sure that the things that he could make perfect were perfect.  
• I am thankful for friends who, although they just lost their tiny baby too, they still came up to the hospital when their own pain was so raw.
• I am thankful for my OBGYNs who had to deliver a very still baby and who cried with me and helped to make me feel better physically even if they couldn’t help that she had died, or ease the pain and shock.  They too must have had a very difficult day that day.  Delivering babies is supposed to be a happy experience.
•  I am thankful for a hospital who notified the staff before entering my suite that the baby was gone, and who tried to ease the suffering by putting us on the opposite end of the wing from the nursery. 
• I am thankful for friends who sent cards and letters and money to help with expenses and who came to a funeral for a baby and who hugged us and cried for her, and who cooked for us and sent us food to make it so we had just one less thing to think about.
• I am thankful for my father and stepmother who came from miles away to hug me and kiss me and hear about her from me.
• I am thankful for a funeral director who footed the bill for most of the funeral expenses and who helped to make the whole day a little bit easier. 
• I am thankful for my best friend who even though she was pregnant herself, she ran to the hospital to be with me and stayed though she didn’t have to in order to hold a baby that should have been born alive. 
• I am thankful for daughters who even though they knew that things were not okay, they still gave me their most beautiful gifts, their sweet and goofy self to cheer me.   
• I am thankful for friends who show patience and empathy for me as I write down my teardrops into words and who try to provide me with support and insight though they seem so far away in so many aspects.
• But mostly I am thankful for getting to feel, hold, and kiss a beautiful angel.