Blessings

A day to give thanks for the things we have: Thanksgiving.  Seems pretty simple right? Except to everyone who's ever lost anyone.

I am thankful for a job that I really do love that puts food on the table, helps pay the bills and puts a roof over the heads of the people who mean the most to me. But I am most thankful for my husband who has never stopped loving me, my girls for having patience in me and strength of character when I do not, my family and friends for showing me what support really looks like, and for Gabbie for teaching me selfless love.   

So I sit down today with family with a torn heart.  This would have been Gabbie's first family holiday.  While simultaneously looking around at all those blessings that make me happy and thankful I am deeply hurt that I've been denied another blessing.  And you might think that I should be thankful to have known her for what I did, or to think about the things about her that make me thankful.  The overriding factor is she is not here to hold and I am deeply sad.  Those are miniscule moments in a lifetime that she gave me  of thankfulness are also the very moments that have given me the most pain.

There are mornings still that I cry on my way to work. There are nights in the past month that I've put her bear on my pillow to touch while I fall asleep.  Many moments I have considered a counselor but pride keeps me from going because I feel like I should be stronger than that and I don't want to pay someone to listen to me when I have so many who will listen without money.  The thing about that is I don't want to paint my sadness on others so I tend not to share much anymore. 

So please, just consider for a moment while you say your thanks that many people have lost some very important reasons to be thankful and the empty chairs around the table and missing faces to kiss are painfully evident this holiday season.  I may have an angel but I'd prefer to have a Gabbie. 

So this Thanksgiving... Thank you for listening, supporting and loving. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.  And thank you for looking about you today and loving the faces you see, hugging the ones that you can, and being thankful for the things that matter.  (I write this while hugging the 2 year old little monkey laying on Daddy's pillow next to me watching Mickey).