Spring time freeze

Spring is here. Sort of. It feels more like winter.  It looks more like dreary sadness.

 I am torn between wanting winter to end and not wanting spring to come.  It sounds strange I know, especially after the winter we had.  I am tired of dark, dreary, cold, and gray. Spring will come and with it the flowers, Sun, warmth, butterflies, angelversaries, 38 weeks and one day in gestation, and due dates.  I cannot stop it.  I can't stop time to today.  Today the baby inside me still moves. G is happy to sit here with me and relax. I am happy to sit here with her and feel her sister's kicks. But time will not stop for me, or G or this baby.  It will not freeze G as the crazy, fun little girl she is (and I guess not that I'd want it to, she has such potential for wonderful things), nor will it freeze the baby inside of me with her kicks and nudges.  I wouldn't want that either, I guess, since I already know what it means to have one baby forever frozen in time inside.  I also don't want to fast forward and miss these months with both of them, either.  However, the closer it gets to later the more flashbacks and sadness I have to fight off. The initial panic of "this baby has been quiet today," or the quick thought of "what if they don't find the heart beat" makes me sick to my soul.

Maybe with the return of spring the warmth will return to my insides. Maybe the sun will brighten the darkness I'm trying to avoid, ignore.  Maybe the butterflies will bring lightness and stronger faith that all will be okay but today... today I wish the first day of spring would freeze time.