My strength can be found in sweet girls.

Gabbie's angelversary was Friday. We spent it with butterflies. She visited me as a wounded and beautifully flawed Blue Morpho butterfly just as last year. She sat on my finger and softly fluttered. And I cried. Because I miss her.  Because I love her.  Because I still don't understand. Because I'm afraid that it's getting closer to 38 weeks with this baby and I don't know what I'd do if next year I have to visit with two butterflies. 

But we had a nice day at the conservatory and lunch, and then shopping for G's birthday present at build-a-bear, and then for her party goods and the balloons for her and Gabbie. But it was raining too hard to release them Friday night so we waited. 

Friday night D got very sick and he and I were up all night. He slept all Saturday while I prepared for the G's party on Sunday. All day G kept asking to release Gabbie's balloons to her but I told her we had to wait until daddy was better so he could do it too. She was so good all day and so excited for "the best birthday ever". 

Sunday came and D felt better. We assumed it was just food poisoning so we went on with the party. 20 people. 

Sunday night we released the balloons to Gabbie. S said she wished that the balloons would bring Gabbie back down from heaven. When I tucked G into bed Sunday night she asked me, "mommy do you member when we went to church and they talked about the man who died and went to heaven?" 

"Yes baby, his name is Jesus. "

She said, "mommy what if Jesus loves balloons and tried to take one from Gabbie."  

"Oh baby, Jesus loves Gabbie, he wouldn't want to take her balloons. He is taking care of her until we can see her again. He wants her to be happy just like us."  

She thought about this for a second. "You know what mommy?  I bet Gabbie would give him a balloon If he wanted one. She got two and she'd share if he really liked them."  

"Yep I bet you're right, now close your eyes birthday girl and go to sleep. Did you have a fabulous birthday?" 

"Mommy I had the best birthday ever!"

"I'm so glad. Love you baby."  

I thought then how much I was blessed. But that night I came down with the virus D had had. I feel terrible that we had all those people over. I hope no one gets it. It took only about 4 hours for me to become dehydrated. I ended up with contractions less than every 7 minutes. So needing fluids I went to the hospital to be treated in L&D and then I came home and slept. Literally almost unable to move because my body aches so bad the girls and D took care of me. G was so excited to bring me flowers home with her bright yellow daffodils, and S took care of her sister without a word. The house was quiet all day which almost never happens. At bedtime G came in my room and peering over the footboard of the bed with big worried eyes she said, "Mommy do you think you'll feel better tomorrow?"

"I hope so baby."

"I really miss hugging and kissin you."  

"I know peanut. I'll try to be better ok?"

"Ok mommy. I love you."  And she went off to bed. 

I wonder now, and often, how did I raise such caring sweet babies?  How did I get so blessed to have girls who care more about others all the time?  Perhaps it is for this reason that I was strong enough, brave enough to try again for a baby?  Their sisters, Gabbie's and the new one, give me strength. I don't know what I'd have done without them two years ago. They are part of the reason I got out of bed when it felt I'd left my heart behind in the hospital.