I feel as though I'm waiting today. Or maybe sad. Or tired (always tired even when I get decent sleep. I mean she slept 6 straight hours the other night twice in a row but still I was so tired when the sun rose). Or maybe I'm troubled. Pregnancy hormones attempting to return to normal leave a sort of deep emptiness. I have her, my Evie, and she's healthy, and ok, and I'm thankful. But somehow I'm still sad. And anxious and short tempered. I can't explain why. I know that I should be happy. I have a beautiful family and a healthy little girl to hold. Yet I look at her sometimes and cry. She doesn't fuss and only cries when she's hungry or wants to cuddle. She's easy. And beautiful. And healthy. So why am I sad? Why am I waiting as if for something to happen? Why do I have anxiety about things happening? I'm afraid to put her to bed in her crib--- what if I don't hear her? Or what if she leaves me in her sleep? I'm afraid to leave her with a babysitter (even people I trust totally). I'm afraid to take a shower while Evie sleeps and G watches TV, I think of things that could happen while I'm in there (from one of them choking to a stranger coming in the front door and taking them) though I know most of the scenarios are so unrealistic, but what if? I find my patience to be much shorter. Two times of saying something, anything, is one times too many and I get irritated. I can hear how quick I am to be snippy but it's always too late to take back the harsh retort. It's not all day nor all the time but it's often.
I just feel off. Off and sad and anxious and tired. And I see all the things I missed with Gabbie and I feel robbed. I should be okay with that for now I know what I have. Shouldn't I be? But I'm not okay with that. At all. What's wrong with me? I feel like a zombie just going about the business of living; it's a business of breathing, eating, sleeping, and hopefully taking care of my family existence with a smattering of life mixed in. But I cannot remember the last time I really (and I mean really) looked forward to something with excitement and child-like anticipation. Nor do I think I even remember how to.
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