We are somewhere between thigh and chest deep into Covid19. Our life, currently has slowed to a social distancing confinement of interaction. To date 10,800 + people have tested positive for the virus in the US. 4100 of those were in NYS; it is March 19. The first case was identified March 1. I believe it has been among us for much longer.
Here are the musings of my anxious mind. I want to remind you that this is a place I come to think. It’s been devoted to Gabbie previously but since She can be carried in our hearts only I feel that I am the ripple from her existence. She still impacts me daily and I impact others. I pray my impact is positive.
My hope is that by writing all my anxieties that I can deposit it. And let it fester here or simply sit in silence here instead of echoing in my head. The echoes weigh heavily. But here they are. Maybe I can put them down for long enough to sleep.
1. Do people really think it’s hype? Like really really? Is there not a single shred of selflessness within these people who think for even just a fleeting second that maybe, just maybe the virus might destroy so much? Is it selfishness? Ego? Entitlement? What? If for just a minute I thought that my actions might seriously impact my mom, my dad, my in-laws, the friends I have that are immunocompromised, I would change my actions. I would try everything in my power to lessen the likelihood of my choices impacting others, those I live and those strangers who need the rest of us to care. How does this not get even the slightest consideration by people who are denying social distancing and going drinking or to spring break? What kind of people has our society groomed? It is much much worse than I had wanted to believe. I hope that it is just that most of you are avoiding at all costs and just doing so quietly.
2. Do you really think that this a hoax? And that the government is just trying to take full control of you? I have nothing for this except to say please educate yourself. Find sources from both sides. Read. Read. Read. Dr. Fauci is an excellent balanced source. Seek information. But do not just be stubborn without real balanced information.
3. I have no real evidence as of yet but I am scared for my own abilities to defend myself. I may be wrong. And maybe this is over reaction and my anxiety speaking to which I am certain my husband would attribute this thought to... but here it is my “evidence”. Many years ago my ENT said I had no immunity of the 7 most people had to upper respiratory infections. I was given a booster then and instructed it wouldn’t last forever. That was maybe 5 - 7 years ago. Then I’ve developed strange ailments. I started to see a sleep specialist because I was always tired. I was given Gabapentin for what they thought was restless legs while on it I had SEVERAL back to back infections of strep. Then tested positive for mono. I stopped taking Gabapentin and read into it and realized it leaves people open to viral infections. WARNING IF YOU ARE On GABAPENTIN IT IS A SIDE EFFECT IN SMALL PRINT. Additionally, I recently tested positive for an autoimmune. I’ve not yet had it confirmed by a rheumatologist. All of these things are disconcerting to me. There are so many unknowns for me. I know it’s probable it is anxiety talking but... the unknown makes anxiety worse. And Anxiety and fear threaten immunity so I try to be rational.
4. I’m concerned that if the numbers continue to rise of those people who require beds, that like Italy, doctors will have to decide who to give a ventilator to and who not. What if I’m right about number 2 and that is me? But this is doomsday thinking so I tell myself to have faith and take precautions and we will be fine. THANK YOU HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONALS.
5. I am concerned that poor choices by others refusing to believe this is real will put my loved ones at risk. If the numbers continue to rise will it include an even longer required closure forcing friends to have to close up their livelihoods. For how long?
6. Every cough or moping, lethargic behavior sends alarms through my mom senses. My hyper vigilance is exhausting but real. 14 days is a long time to go before exhibiting signs. My view is that when people start to exhibit signs they refuse at first to acknowledge them and stay home, and instead contaminate others by ignorance either intentional or unintentional. So those lists of where people were while showing symptoms eeks into my mind. I went to the dermatologist. What if I touched something and accidentally brought it home? Thus number six...
7. Every step out to the grocery store or literally anywhere there may be people resets what I perceive as our window and restarts the anxiety all over again.
So what then? Live in fear. It’s chaotic and unknown. But fear is what causes people to hoard and behave irrationally. Fear cannot be trusted. I wonder if the hoarders are staying home? So I try to balance fear and anxiety with knowns. And trust that people I would be in contact with are similar of mind. They have loved ones too. But number 1 makes me see flaws in that. People make poor choices in the moment. Some were raised to believe they could be anything including selfish, self righteous, entitled, and invincible and those who believe they are exerting their American right to be “free” by ignoring directives. Others are just out trying to get basic necessities. Others are torn between belief it is bad and belief it can’t be as bad as it’s forecasted and so they toggle. In any case I wish more of them would stay home. Do you REALLY Need The item from the store? Can you wait until you have a small quick list to allow you to be able to stay home longer? The more of us it spreads to the fewer beds there will be. The more doctors may fall ill. Who will take care of us when there is no one left and no beds and no ventilators because you wouldn’t give social distancing a chance to work?
Here is what I do know.
1.Thanks to divine intervention or angels on my shoulder before the craziness that was the weekend before everyone went crazy shopping (I hope they got what the needed) I bought triple the groceries I usually buy. I don’t know why but I felt we had to stock up. I am thankful we did. My kids have food. And I can avoid stores.
2. The cold broke enough so that our freezers in the garage would keep food and not spoil it.
3. My husband and I and my girls who are in 5-6 different schools each day are now instructed to stay home. Our surface area of contacts reduced exponentially.
4. Somehow I had the foresight to have shifted to occasionally assigning work online to my students despite the pushback because they despise (and with good reason for many of them) the chrome books they have. The shift to online learning was easier for them. I had committed to using them occasionally in an effort to prepare them for college readiness.
5. My husband is patient. My girls are flexible.
6. I have a very powerful angel who has provided guidance on a variety of occasions. I’m trying so hard to see her signs.
7. I am introvert. With anxiety because I once had a baby I couldn’t save and I’m terrified of not having control even though I have very little control over anything. This pandemic is real-life submersion therapy Of having literally no control except how much I wash my hands and my counters and I’m trying not to fail. So please stay home.
May you heed warnings. Be thoughtful. Be considerate. I hope we feel we have overreacted in the end because that will mean that staying home worked and we made it less bad than it could have been. We are only asked to stay put how hard is that? Our parents fought in wars. We are only asked to fight by staying home.
So stay still. Stay home and in the words of Dylan Thomas “do not go gentle into that good night.”
Stay well.
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