I cannot remain silent. There is no word for a parent who has lost a child in the English language, because no one wants to talk about it. But Gabbie was born. She lived within me. There were already dreams for her, and love for her. I love her still, I always will. How can I not talk about her, and think about her and cry about her? The pain of holding a loved one who has passed is very real and deep. Crying over their coffin at a funeral, holding their cool hand and weeping, these are things that never leave our memory of touch. Imagine doing the same with a child: a small, tiny little face whose eyes will never open. Holding a still baby, is like holding a lifetime of love that will never be given. That love becomes so heavy to carry until we become accustomed to its weight. Perhaps when we cry it is to make room for the love that we still have inside, that will never be allowed to show. So for babies, and children, it only makes sense that we might cry harder, and longer, forever. I read somewhere that mothers keep a part of the DNA of their child within them forever. If that is so, then physically she will always be with me. I have come to accept that she is always with me regardless. I know that she is there, though I always look for her. I hope I'll never stop seeing signs.
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