Searching for the strength

The rain is falling softly, soaking.  The air is so saturated with water that you could nearly drown from breathing in. Summer is coming again. I have yet to see a butterfly that isn't the white clouded butterfly, which is okay, I guess, because, though if she could she'd come to me as the blue morpho, they only survive in the rainforest. I wish I could go there, to the rainforest, and sit among them as they swirl and play, or fly above the trees and see the clouds of blue butterflies settle in the treetops like they say they do, to warm their bodies in the sun. But around here, she is the white clouded butterfly. However, though summer may be coming, May and June have not been warm enough, so there aren't so many, not enough for me.  

D and I talk about trying for our rainbow baby. This topic is.... Hard.  The idea... Painful. Sad. Anxiety ridden to exhaustion. How does one go on and try again after holding, hugging, and loving a dead baby? That is what is in my head when I think about being pregnant again. I think of those words, "no I'm sorry" in response to my question of her welfare. I think about feeling so lost, looking at and kissing the forehead of a beautiful dead baby. Many people can say in their whole life that they never even touched someone who who has begun to grow cold. I birthed one. I'd give up almost anything to hold her again. How can I think about holding a living baby, in a hospital, after holding Gabbie?  And yet.... How can I not?  Oh the risk. Oh the reward. Are you a gambler?  Because that what this is. 50/50. Or maybe my odds are 1 in 3?  Does it matter? 

Now I am not naive. And any pregnancy will never be as joyful or full of promise as it once was. So, I went off birth control. I went off my antidepressants. (Cold turkey by the way. I know, I know don't scold. It's too late I'm already off them.)  And we wait. Not trying per sae. But not preventing either. I cannot cower in fear, though God knows I'm terrified of birthing another angel. If it happens, well, then all I can say is I have no control over anything. Somehow I I have to be okay with the idea that may I wake up one day and another will be gone. Inner strength is hard to come by. I wonder if I have it.