Baby showers and butterflies

Butterflies were everywhere today.  They swirled around the car and danced in the fields on either side of the street.  In fact, as I turned down the road towards my destination a huge yellow butterfly swiftly fluttered nearly across my windshield.  My destination?  A baby shower.  I secretly planned on ducking out before gifts, and was more than thankful that she planned no games.  I really wanted to attend (maybe).  So I drove through the butterflies and my breath caught in my chest. 

I walked in, and butterflies swirled around.  I sat and listened, and chatted and made Addi giggle.  Gabbie would have been there too and only a month younger than Addi, and they would have giggled together.  But instead, I watched butterflies and talked with Addi’s mom, Al.  I saw some of the fear Al has; she is pregnant.  I hope she never truly knows that fear with all my heart and every ounce of my soul.  I saw the fear and tears in her eyes.  I love that woman.  Please God keep her little one safe.  I watched the other moms-to-be wander around.  There were so many of them.  I was jealous of their naivety and hope.  Lord so many thoughts in my head.  And though they were everywhere I looked, so were butterflies, and so I stayed. 

Then there were presents.  I mentioned to the mom-to-be that I may leave early, and of course she understood, but still, I stayed.  Then she got to mine.  I had included in the basket from my mother-in-law and myself, a sign that I had hand-painted.  “No one will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”  There is no more explanation I can give.  My heart bottoms out with this quote.  It sort of swallows up my soul and wrings it out.  No one… not a single soul can understand this love unless they’ve felt it.  The women who have felt that love and are unable to give that love away, they carry it with them, forever.  The force of that kind of love is explosive if it’s not let out somehow.  So I put some of it in the sign.  

I cried a little bit then, and some looked at me a bit funny, but oh well, you can’t walk in someone else’s shoes.  And then I was good for a while.  I ignored most of the gifts, watching occasionally and commenting seldom.  But I was still “attentive” enough to know what she got.  And then it was over.  I made it through.  Then I hugged the expectant mom.  “I wish you so much luck E.  I hope with all my heart everything goes ok.”  She teared up, I cried, I told her I love her and I walked out into butterflies.  I said bye to Addi’s mom, and then E’s mom.  She hugged me and said she can only imagine how hard it must have been to come.  She’s right.  It was hard to drive there.  Not as hard to stay, perhaps, and exhausting to leave.  I cried all the way home.  I even stopped in the funeral home parking lot where we had Gabbie’s service and talked with Gabbie for a while.  I collected myself, couldn’t look my in-laws in the face as I gathered up Gracie and my stuff, but I thanked them.  I didn’t show it the way I wanted to, but I love the gift they gave us for our anniversary.  I'd have really lost it if I did.  It was a rather large puzzle framed in of Gabbie’s butterfly.  It couldn’t have come at a better moment.  With D having a not so good day yesterday, and then my not so good day today, it only reinforces that butterflies really do come around when we need them the most.  

D and I celebrated our 4^th anniversary only three days ago, and 4 years ago we conceived our 3 year old.  2 years ago, we conceived Gabbie.  The world continues to spin moving on with or without us.  Even though no one ever wants their relationship to grow stronger out of tragedy, I think we are stronger together.  I love that man.  To heaven and back, I love him.  I am so sorry I couldn’t give him another baby to watch grow, at least not yet.  I am so lucky to have him to hold me and to help me see, that although the world keeps turning, and others’ lives go on with new babies coming, we will be okay someday. 

For the record, I think I'm done with baby showers.   I'm totally exhausted.  But I guess I can only say that on a case by case basis. I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life who continue to show support, concern, and understanding. I hope that I never let any of you down.