Flashback... To what?

I'm exhausted. We started camping Wednesday. It is now Saturday night and we leave tomorrow.  I really do like to camp but good golly it's a lot of work to prep and then clean back up from it. 

I spent all week first preparing, then relaxing, chatting, swimming, drinking, eating, and having fun with the girls. But I spent a lot of time too looking for butterflies. I point them out to others and then feel self conscious that maybe they don't care, but butterflies just don't mean the same to them. And i wonder ifI'm  handling her death gracefully. No one else but the girls, and Derek, point them out to me, not that they would, I guess. It's sad really that people don't pay more attention to butterflies. Don't they know that a piece of heaven is flying right by them?  

I cried this weekend. I asked Derek if he thought that me drinking coffee while pregnant made Gabbie move more. I didn't give it totally up for her, nor any of my girls. I only had a cup. But what if it made her excitable?  What if me not drinking it could have stopped her from making one more turn?  I know there is nothing I can do about it. He of course told me it wasn't my fault. I know that I shouldn't blame myself. But really?  Really?!  Sigh.  Sometimes my rational side wins out and I blame no one. Sometimes. And, sometimes, my heart wins and there just is no way to make me believe it wasn't at least partly my fault. 

Now, tomorrow, we will prepare to go home. I am sad that I haven't gotten a single picture of a butterfly even though there were so many more kinds than I've seen at home.  None would sit long enough for me to take a picture. 

I also reread my blog on "raindrop Lamentations." Nothing has changed from a year ago. I still feel the exact same.  I still here her name in the raindrops that fall and the whispers of butterfly wings. Every damn day. And as much as I thank God for at least those whispers, they still echo in that hollow part of my soul where she should be. And I miss her. Still.  Every day. All day. Forever and ever, to the moon and back. To heaven and back.