A take home baby coming in May

We told the girls the other day, on the 15th of October. We told the girls on the day of Remembrance for baby loss, that mommy is growing a baby in her tummy. G was unconvinced.

D: what would you think if you got a baby sister or brother?

G: a baby brother would be good or a sister. 

D: where do you think we will get one?  

G: we'll steal it from someone else's house. 

Me and D: that's not nice. 

D: that would make a mommy and daddy sad. 

Me: where else might we get a baby. 

G: we'll find it on the streets and bring it home. 

Me: um... Not gonna happen. Babies aren't just out on the street. 

D: what if it's in mommy's tummy?

G: she'd have had to eat it. But look I have bones. That's my skeleton. That's not in tummies. 

Me: my tummy is gonna get bigger as the baby grows. 

G: does Daddy have a baby?  

Me: no daddy has tacos in there. (In my defense we had tacos for dinner). 

G: oh.  I have tacos in mine too.   

Lord she makes me laugh. 

Turns out that explaining to a three year old that there's a tiny baby in a belly is funny. I laughed through it all.  Sky was excited and wants a boy. 

I want a baby. One that comes home from the hospital. One that doesn't require explanations for why it's in heaven. One that doesn't break the heart of a whole family and especially doesn't break the hearts of two little girls. One that comes delivered by his or her big sister, but pink and breathing. Please God. That is all. A healthy, breathing, pink take-home-in-my-arms baby.   It can't happen twice. It just can't. I will remain positive though I have flashbacks. Flashbacks of them looking for a heartbeat. Flashbacks of being crumpled in my knees in the funeral home before her urn. Nope. Positive. It won't happen again.