My messenger...

Monica has cancer.  She gets up every morning, she fights her body as it tries to bring her down.  But her heart soars above the pain.  She has three girls, a husband, family and friends that love her deeply.  She gets out of bed each morning for them.  She thanks God.  She thanks him for blessing her with all the things that keep her moving, and keep her fighting.  Monica has courage.  Monica has a heart the size of the ocean.  She has concern for me.  For me?!  Noble, courageous, faithful, loving Monica.  I’ve only got a broken heart Monica.  It takes some courage for those who are left behind to get up every day, true; but it takes epic amounts of it to continue with a smile when faced with such a demon as the one that stands before her.  And still she thanks God.  I did not thank Him when he took my Gabbie.  I did not thank him, I blamed him.  Yet she blames only her body.  I am envious of her strength and her courage and steadfastness of soul.  I am honored by her heart and friendship and her concern of me. 

My best friend Cyndy made a point, perhaps it was not God who took her, but the Devil instead because he was trying to make me question God and myself.  She says that he has failed.   God stepped up and made her an angel in Heaven because it was not right for the Devil to take her from me . And his plan backfired in his face! My relationship with Derek is stronger ... I appreciate Sky and Gracie more ... I am praying more ... I see signs from Gabbie. The Devil was trying to weaken me ... all he has done is made me stronger!  Maybe she is right. Maybe, although I did not get to keep her, I got something even greater.  

I’ve cried fewer tears lately.  I think my soul is in shock of life.  We’ve been so busy that it’s provided me little opportunity for sorrow to take hold.  We picked up our new camper, we plan on filling it tonight and dropping it off for camping this weekend.  A relaxing weekend will be nice.  It hurts to think that the camper would not have happened if Gabbie could have stayed for a life with us. Our house has an offer and the inspection tomorrow.  It will go well.  It has to.  Life cannot be filled with constant disappointments.  We will be deciding where our life will take us after Wednesday.  I still believe Gabbie helped us get that offer.  I think that she will help the inspection go well too. 

 I’ve thought a lot about Monica and Gabbie lately.  I have two girls who need me here on earth.  Monica has three.  Our courage and drive comes from our girls and for our girls.  Since I cannot hold one of my girls and only be held by her, I can at least ask Gabbie to keep Monica safe, and give her strength and courage; I can be thankful to have an angel on my side in heaven whose soul was too old and wise to live here on earth and whose beauty was too much for me to keep.  For surely an angel whose name means messenger from God who heralded the birth of children, would bring the grace of God to someone whose heart is so big and soul is so kind and who needs to take care of her babies on earth.  Maybe my loss of something so beautiful and old can be Monica’s gain.  She beat it once she can beat it again to live to be beautiful in old age.  And it doesn’t hurt to pray.