I cry because...

I'm trying hard to make something out of sorrow besides tears.  I'm trying hard to give to the world something I would not have given if she were here.  Maybe I'm trying to give something she would have given later, perhaps when she was older.  I'm trying to give her life more meaning than her death.  I'm doing this because I love her still, love her more than I will allow myself to be sad for her death.  Its significant, the two, more immeasurable than the quantity of tears and not-tears I've needed to cry.
I sometimes imagine when I'm crying that she touches my cheek to wipe my tears or that she presses her forehead against my shoulder, her little hand on my arm.  She is older to me already, it's as though time has sped up and she is like a very wise child, too wise to be so young.  Her bear with the heart of her, with her urn nestled snuggly inside is only a couple feet from me.  I want it.  I want to hold it and her.  I want to hold it but I am so tired and I'm afraid I'd fall asleep with it and then D would be terribly concerned when he got up with the sun and found me.  Its the second night now that I've felt this terrible urgency to hold it.  The tears have wet my pillow, my temples and my hair.  I cry still for a baby that I cannot hold and because life is terribly unfair. 

So I started this prayer project because I know that there are people everywhere who have soaked their pillows awake alone at night with tears for a gone-baby.  I started this project for those who have felt the ache to hold a child  that left too soon.  I started this for the people who find it too hard, too painful, to private, and just too much to have a voice for the unfairness of a universe that has taken our babies too soon.
So I cry.  I cry because I will make a flag for my Gabbie and because so many of you have found yourself a partner to this pain too.  I cry because I will hang the flags and each flag will represent the hurt and sadness of one sweet baby (and maybe even more than one) who is loved to heaven and back again.