Tomorrow is Christmas and 8 months to the day that she left us. I am happy for my girls for the magic of Christmas. But this year of firsts has provided me with every challenge of heart and courage and patience that you could dream up. I am so sad for the presents she'll never have. For all the gifts that would have her name and don't, I want to hang a stocking but it seems superfluous. I am sad for all that her sisters will miss out on that she isn't here. The smiles and giggles opening presents she'll never hear and they'll never know.
I find myself sad often, always. I have moments of not considering the missing piece but she's always on my mind, and they are really just moments of no time at all. Her absence seems so obvious. Breathing is not easy; it is as though a heaviness is sitting on my chest much of the time. In the last few weeks I have found myself in overwhelming meltdowns over things that simply could be worked out, fixed. Apparently not only am I missing her but I'm also missing parts if my mind.
When you lose someone holidays become a task not for the faint of heart. With the new year on its way I am plagued by the thought that a new year means saying good bye to her, she will be even farther gone, even more evidence of her not here. I know, I know, I've already said my goodbyes but perhaps with that thought it becomes clear that I haven't really said goodbye at all. God, I miss her, and the holidays and the lights and the beauty and smiles are all things she will never see and though she doesn't need them where she is, I do need, wish, for her to be here and that is not possible. I so love my girls and love to see them smile, and I love my husband and am everyday thankful for the choice I made four years ago. I am thankful for the light they bring, and the love they show me every day; I love them deeply too. They bring joy to the parts of my heart they occupy but that other part for her is still heavily empty and dark.
I tell others on my page to be gentle with themselves. Apparently I need to look into what that means.
I have always believed in the magic of Christmas. Good things do and should happen at this time of year. Please, if I had one wish this Christmas it would be to bring peace, even for only a night or two, to all the families out there who know what it is to bury a child. I am going to light some candles tonight. Perhaps their light will shine in the minds and hearts of all the people who deserve to hug the ones they lost close to them if only just to sing one more lullaby.
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