"And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"....
I am trying so hard to see the light.
Ok...started taking down Christmas tree because, well, maybe I'm a masochist. I took down all the ornaments saving hers for last. Her main one is still on the tree. Maybe tomorrow I'll finish. It seems as though it should still be up. There was only a few tears shed. I made it through Christmas without her. That's something. Right? And now to start the new year. Hmmm.
Nap? Check. Cup of coffee or three? Check, check, check. Gabbie's bear sitting on our bed at the in-laws waiting for me to wish happy new year to? Check. Attitude adjustment? Ummm. Check, I guess. Lets just say I'm not nasty anymore. The future is still too much to see. The past is too much to look at. The day. Today. Is as much as I can handle. Tomorrow is about a far as I've gotten and maybe a little of this week. After that decisions are impossible to make and part of me still thinks that if my decisions don't matter in the grand scheme of things, then why bother. I mean realistically if at any moment the decisions we make are totally negated then what's the point? But I guess the point is because some decisions I've made have turned out to be my biggest blessings: Sky, Gracie, and Derek, and my job and friends. I am pretty lucky in them.
So I enter this new year with two thoughts:
1."Nothing gold can stay." I need to enjoy more the Blessings that I do have because they might be gone as fast as she was; my Golden Butterfly.
2. "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." I am my harshest judge and biggest dreamer. I have to learn this year to be gentle on myself, stop doubting and fearing that which cannot be changed, and learn to dream again and love myself, because in her death I lost faith in me.
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