Two years ago a picture was taken of me holding on to Gracie in a pretty Christmas dress waiting to "see" Santa with Skyler in the background. This year a similar picture will not be taken. Gabbie will never be in a picture with Santa. She will never be opening presents. She will never be looking with wide eyed wonder at Christmas lights. Her sisters will always know they have a sister who couldn't stay with us. There are going to be fewer presents beneath the tree and not as many stockings to be filled. Forever. No matter if or how our family grows there is and will be always one less than there should be.
On Friday night a baby was born whose birth was perhaps more anticipated than many of the babies of the world. A woman who has put others first for as long as I have known her has been rewarded for her sacrifices and love with a beautiful baby boy. This sweet woman, though she was only a couple weeks pregnant herself, came to the hospital the day we had Gabbie and held her my sweet dead baby lovingly and told her how she loved her and how she would be so dearly missed. This woman did what most people would never be able to even consider. My best friend since Grammar school, A sister to me in All undefined meanings of the term, she deserves this baby and the joy that comes with him. I hope she understands how I really do only want happiness for her and that my sadness over what I don't have is not relative to the happiness she has. I do not have more pain because she has less. I love her and I'm happy beyond words for her.
There is a place not so terribly far from here where people are preparing to bury their babies, who even though they are school age will always be someone's baby. These people are writing eulogies instead of Christmas cards, unwrapping care packages instead of Wrapping presents, are on their knees in sobbing tears instead of reaching to hug their little ones. I am so terribly deeply sorry for them. Their life will be frozen in the Christmas season without joy for an unfair and unholy amount of time. I am sorry for each parent who lost, for the fear they now unfairly have forever, for each police officer and the visions that will be stuck in their minds, for each school official who will have guilt for the inability to keep these children and teachers safe, and for the community that is now shattered. I am so sorry you all will be frozen in winter. I am sorry that there even had a reason to be heroes.
Again, I'm going to say it, when will this year end? This miserable, dark, tormenting year. How much sadness will there be before your satisfied?
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