New Year's Eve. 2012 has me so messed up I'm not sure what I think of 2013 and the change of year. Saying goodbye to 2012 seems like closing the door on a very bad friend but a friend none the less that you're sorry to see go. Part of me thinks that if I embrace the new year it's like embracing that she's gone forever, not that she isn't but I'll not embrace it. But that part of me, the dejected part of me has my rational mind reeling. She's gone forever. I get it. The year changing, a new number, it's just another day that's all. I'm tired still. Tired, all the time tired. Even after sleeping 8 hours I'm tired. I'm annoyed. Nothing changes with the new year. I am still without her. I am still sad. I am supposed to celebrate the end of the year that left me broken hearted, took my baby for an angel, and kicked us repeatedly while we were down? Or am i supposed to celebrate the coming of a new year with a baby angel and all the firsts including a birthday that will be an angelversary? Perhaps you'd say "Look at the new year as a fresh start." Yes we also said, "Look at the new place as a fresh start." As much as I don't mind the new place I don't care for the word "fresh." Fresh? It's not fresh it's just an alternate, less desired, life to the one I could have had.
Could have? No could never have, can't ever have. I'm apparently in an awful mood. Yay for 2012. I hope the storm has passed with its eminent demise.
I'm going to lay back down, take a nap and try to adjust my attitude. And yes I know it's only 8:42 in the morning.
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