Gabraella

In 24 hours from now it will be the one year angelversary of Gabraella Joy. At 9:32 pm on April 25th, 2012 I gave birth to a perfect baby girl. She was beautiful in every way, even in her silence. I held her hand and hugged her close and touched her soft round cheeks. I watched her pink lips slowly turn to blue. And though I wished that I be taken in her place and for life to be breathed into her tiny little body, she still remained an angel. I will never have the reason. I will never be okay that she is gone. But the end of the caterpillars existence is the beginning of the butterfly, so in her stillness I created love. I would give up everything I've started if I could have her back. But once a caterpillar is changed, the butterfly cannot turn back. So I go on for her. I have tried to make sure she is still around, that her beautiful colors of love are seen everywhere. I don't know if I've done this, I think I have.

What I do know is, that because of her there are flags of angels raising awareness for the pain and sorrow of parents like me all over western New York. I hope I've made her proud of me. I hope that my love for her flutters like butterflies to her.

I will never be the same, no one can remain unchanged when they have had dreams for a lifetime, and had to give them all up to hold an angel. For some reason I was chosen to birth an angel. For as much as I would have given myself for her, that wish is selfish. If this is the pain of losing, I would rather live forever with it than to allow my loved ones to feel an ounce of it if I were gone.

Hug your babies. Love your babies. And be thankful and feel blessed that you may never hold one in your arms who became an angel.