My babies aren't babies anymore.

I had a dream last night. I came out of the grocery store and a baby bottle was on top of my car. My initial reaction was "oh great I ruined her bottle" then I remembered it can't be hers. It made me sad so I went home to crawl in bed. In my dream I lay down but heard a baby cry and again, getting up from bed I realized the crying isn't for me. Forlornly I lay back down with the lights off and in my dream drifted off to sleep. I was woken again later though to the sound of crying but it was only the cat. It is dreams like this that leave me empty inside.

We talk about finding a bigger place to rent in case might try again. I plan birthday parties for 1 instead of two. Everywhere I turn she's there, but no where is it the face of a nearly 1 year old, though I see pictures of birthdays for 1 year olds we'd have gone too if it had been a different life we lead. Gracie turns 3. Last year I was very pregnant for her birthday party. This year, I plan just one. Gracie is getting bigger (as planned of course) and Sky is too, with training bras and tween behavior. A year has changed so much, and yet so many changes are so hard to adapt to.

Everywhere I turn she is but isn't there, even in my dreams. I reach for her but my arms are empty, and my babies aren't babies anymore.